To be honest, vulnerability and I don't sit well together. I think it's something that's hard for most of us to come by. Especially in a day and age that shouts that we glass over anything ugly with pretty pictures and positive reinforcements.
A few weeks ago, I posted two words online that are still ringing in the back of my head. "Me too". I never thought something could have such a hold over me, or catapult me into a rabbit hole of dangerous introspection. For it wasn't really the incident at hand, but the feelings of shame and utter disappointment that it unearthed. I felt like I had ripped off a metaphorical band-aid for the whole world to see and immediately regretted it. I felt like everything I had tried to hide had now been put out into the glaring light of day- Not a good feeling, especially when your natural disposition is one that is already very shielded.
I struggle. I struggle hard between being a professional, an artist, and just a plain old flawed human being. I still feel like I hold back so much and there is a lot of guilt associated with that. I feel like my lines of communication are often thrown off with the work I do. Do I reveal too much or too little? What do they want to see, what don't they want to see? I've been blessed that I've been able to take hardships in my life and turn them into things that are 'aesthetically pleasing'. But on the other hand, I feel at times I've pigeon holed myself into a container that I desperately want to break out of...
|| You can choose courage or you can choose comfort, but you cannot have both -Brené Brown